Violent Night (Universal, R)
Sitting down to watch a Christmas movie called Violent Night, produced by the same folks that made John Wick, Nobody, and Atomic Blonde, you can only really expect one thing: Hand to hand combat, guns, and excellent fight choreography. With Stranger Things and Hellboy star David Harbour donning the red and white suit of Santa Claus, and pitting him against a small town’s worth of baddies, Violent Night set itself up for success. Often I review movies that I know I am going to like. It lends to most of my review wending up being positive. This isn’t to say that I like everything I watch. You can find my Morbius review from earlier this year to prove as much. But it also means that if I make my mind up to go see a movie, it’s often because I have a pretty good idea I am going to like it. This can and should be weighed when reading my reviews. As I am about to tell you Violent Night rules, know my impression comes from a place where this is exactly the movie I thought I was getting, and because of this, a lot of scholarly waxing will be entirely absent from the proceedings. Because, in all honesty, I wouldn’t expect a Siskel and Elbert type to particularly enjoy this movie. But if you like solid action sequences with corny one-liners and gratuitous violence, hey, I’ve got a movie for you!
I think the best way to dig into my experience with Violent Night is to start with the text message I sent to my friend, inviting him to the screening with me. At roughly 11:45am I sent a text message to my friend and podcast cohost Ryan. That message read as follows: “You wanna go watch Santa beat ass tonight?” The response? “Ummm yes.” We had one expectation y’all. And it wasn't a hard one to meet. On our ride to the theater we talked about all the ways the unbelievably corny trailer got us. A bloodied Santa Claus lofting a sledgehammer grunting the words, “It’s time for some season’s beatings,” might have literally led to the fastest, “hell…yes…” I have ever uttered. And let me tell you, dear reader, season’s beatings were dealt handily. Or should I say hammerly?
The movie opens on Harbour’s Santa in the UK, drowning himself in booze at a watering hole in London. It’s immediately clear Santa is fed up. Kids stuck in their cellphones have become greedy, ungrateful jerks, always asking for more more more. This is delivered to a nearly empty bar, save for a Santa impersonator who tries his best to make the real Santa believe in something. He is unsuccessful in his attempts, as Harbour lumbers up from the bar to the roof to fly away on his sleigh, but not before he vomits over the side. He is a mess, depressed, purposeless, angry. All the ingredients you need for a rising message about the meaning of Christmas. This may sound like sarcasm, but it’s not. It worked for me. Santa is disgruntled. What better way to make him care again than a series of seriously unfortunate events?
Next we see a family on their way to the father’s childhood home. There is some tension between the parents. It seems, from the cursory glance we’re given, that dad, Jason Lightstone, is a bit overcommitted to work. This relationship takes center stage in the B-plot of the film. Shortly after this we are introduced to the entirety of the extremely dysfunctional Lightstone family. Mom, Gertrude Lightstone, played by Beverly D’Angelo is absolutely awful. Skin-peelingly condescending and power drunk. This lends to Jason’s sister’s gross desire to please her mother and her deep disdain for her brother. Alva, the sister has brought her new boyfriend, a shitty actor and worse person, who flexes around the room and talks about his action movies, and her son Bertrude (yes…Bertrude) is a painful stereotype of the cellphone generation. He paces the room making content for his followers. It’s awful and hilarious, watching the family fumble around each other, trying to prove they are better than the others.
Rapidly, it is made clear something sinister is afoot in the Lightstone household, outside of the machinations of the family. House staff is side-eying each other, giving away some plan in motion that we have yet to understand. Enter America’s Hispanic uncle, John Leguizamo. Leguizamo’s character introduces himself as Scrooge when his cronies, fully embedded in the Lightstone manor, take the home by force, killing the guards and sequestering the family in the living room, where it is revealed he has come to steal more than 300 million dollars stored in the family vault in the basement. He is vicious and tactically savvy, planning for every contingency and possible alteration. That is, every alteration aside from holding a family hostage while the real Santa Claus is upstairs. As the guards sweep the rest of the house, one unfortunate soul comes across Santa and after getting a few licks in, finds out the hard way that this Santa isn’t just a pushover.
From here the movie writes itself. Santa tries to get away but his initial scuffle scares the reindeer away, and as he attempts to flee on foot he sees little Trudy Lightstone, Jason’s daughter, being held hostage with the rest of her family and his conscience gets the best of him. With his mind set on saving this little girl he dives headfirst into an uphill battle that often takes it out of him. He washed up, tired, and in over his head. That is until little Trudy, given a walkie-talkie meant to let her “talk to Santa” actually connects with the real, literal Santa Claus and becomes the angel on his wide shoulders. And the motivation couldn’t have come at a more perfect moment, as Santa is surrounded and doomed. After a fortuitous drop of his wedding ring, his search brings him to find a sledgehammer in the shed, and we find out who Santa was before he was Father Christmas. The short answer, a heavyweight badass who swings a hammer like a Norse god out for blood.
Is Violent Night complex or deep in its messaging or plot? Absolutely not. Still, as the punches keep landing there are nearly a half dozen little moments of real sentimental writing and plot development that had Ryan and I looking back and forth at each other asking ourselves, “how is this violent ass movie so wholesome at the same time?” It’s an incredibly hard needle to thread. How do you make a message about family and Christmas spirit feel natural after watching Santa Claus stuff a lump of coal (see: primed grenade) into a soldier’s vest? The answer? An adorable little girl. How do you justify an adorable little girl in a movie where Santa is slaughtering mercenaries with a sledgehammer? Well I will answer that question with another one: What if Kevin, from Home Alone, had actually killed the Wet Bandits? Y’all, this movie is fucking WILD in all caps. The fight choreography is brilliant, as expected. Much in the same way Atomic Blonde’s fight scenes feel heavy and visceral, Violent Night has a lot of engagements that end with our actors a little more bruised than before, laying on the floor, gasping for air.
As the movie progresses and our assailants come to grips with the fact that they might have the real Santa Claus in their midst, there are genuinely funny exchanges between them. How in the hell would you come to grips with the fact that your heist has gone wrong, not because of poor planning, but because you didn't account for Santa Claus to show up and start braining people with a makeshift warhammer?
In short, Violent Night is exactly what I wanted, delivered with a few extra goodies that I had no expectation to get. The fight scenes are creative and brutal, the family storyline is actually passable and at times touching, and it all climaxes in an ending that left me excited to see a sequel. Honestly. I need it. I want so much more.
Leave the kids at home, grab a hot chocolate spiked with Bailey’s, and prepare to be reminded of the true meaning of Christmas while watching Santa cross names off of his naughty list. With a sledgehammer. I can’t guarantee that you will come away thinking this movie deserves an Oscar nod, but honestly, who cares? It’s a blast. The theater frequently broke into laughter and cheers, Ryan and I walked out deeply satisfied with our experience, and the small kid inside my brain finally got to see Viking berserker Santa. Go see Violent Night. There is no replacement for good, irreverent, action packed fun. Plus, take it from me, you want to make sure you stay on Santa’s nice list. Because this Santa is bringing a wholly different kind of slay.
@LubWub
~Caleb