An Update of Sorts

The last few months have been...rough. That’s putting it mildly. It’s been a full year now since I quit my job at GameStop, a full year of pandemic lockdowns started, and four months since the birth of my son. A heaping spoonful of good added to a stew of less than ideal. For the largest amount of that time, video games have been the only real outlet I had. The lockdown did something to my brain, to everyone’s brain, and writing, creating “content” (blech I hate that word), has taken the back burner. I did put out one review last year. But that’s really it. And I hate it. 

Immediately following my exodus from GameStop I found myself drawn to games that replaced the feeling of having a job. I dove headlong into Stardew Valley. I found a lot of solace building a routine in that game, internalizing my tasks, fostering relationships with the locals, making progress towards a sustainable farm. IT was nice, and completely out of character for me. I generally played fast-paced shooters, Rocket League, or any number of other competitive multiplayer games. Stardew acted as a salve. A respite from the harebrained frenetic back and forth of Call of Duty. 

But as time went on, Stardew fell off. Not exactly sure why. I miss it greatly, but my buddy Ryan and I have struggled to make time for it since we last put it down. We’re only just now making plans that we seem to be adamant on following through with. Still, despite finding games throughout the last year to help take my attention away from the in-person interaction deficit we all faced, I could not find the motivation to create. To really make things. 

The last few months have been rough. After my son was born, on Christmas (poor bastard), everything changed. Not in a negative way at all. But the months immediately following his birth meant a lot of time away from streaming, podcasting became a second or third priority, and personal creation - already at an all-time low - took another hit. Now, with my wife back at work and the kids spending the majority of afternoons at the in-laws, I find myself trying to reacclimate to being in my office. Trying to utilize my time and tools to get back into a routine of making things. 

And it has been unbelievably hard. Far harder than I would have hoped. 

Being an independent journalist is hard. File that next to other supremely obvious statements that I have made so far in this piece. It’s a struggle I am familiar with, sure, but in this exact moment the difficulty comes with a mental roadblock I generally try to avoid. 

Depression is a weird and all encompassing beast. My journey with it started back in 2011. I quit playing baseball that year. An outlet that I had in my life for nearly 15 years. I would play a few seasons of summer ball outside of school, but for the most part that hobby died on the vine. I could have taken that further. I hate myself for it at least once a week. 

Shortly after that two things happened. I started smoking and I started down the path of being a game journalist. Some good with the bad.

I have done some pretty awesome things writing about games, from getting early code for games, to getting into a few events due to my credentials. I have written some of my best work as well. A review of Far: Lone Sails that would grab the attention of the creators, a touching piece about playing Florence in the ICU waiting room as my grandfather’s passing drew close. All of these things have served as a sort of “proof of concept.” A means for me to step back and say to myself that I can do this. But at the same time that I was writing those I was also encountering a deep sense of imposter syndrome. Did I belong in this space? If the only pieces I could write were centered on the death of my grandfather could I really call myself a journalist? Other articles came and went, but I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was a bit of a fraud. Banking on emotional trauma to draw attention.

The last few months have been rough. With an ongoing battle over managing my time between being a father and husband, overcoming crippling depressive bouts, fighting against overwhelming feelings of imposter syndrome, and trying to dodge the expectations that I put on myself and others have I have found myself in a rut. A deep, dark, and lonely rut. 

The last couple years have been tough for podcasting. We lost one member to work and family expansion (congrats Eric, truly), another left for personal reasons that I’m not quite sure I understood at the time or understand now, but we bounced back. We added Ben and Tech to the formula and things have been going great. For the most part. I can’t escape the feeling that I let all of them down on a regular basis, largely because of a lack of output on my part. A lack that I know is coming from severe mental struggles and balancing an ever complicating home life. The point is, I know I’m falling short. And I hate it. But I’m kind of afraid to express my regret and explain myself because my imposter syndrome makes all of my genuine reasons sound like vapid excuses. After all, other people are making things, why can’t I?

Wanting to get into journalism or, on the macro level, into the gaming industry at large remains my primary goal. I’m just struggling right now. I don’t want anyone to feel required to do work that I can’t consistently pull off. I don’t want anyone to feel like they are holding NerdyBits up while I’m over here wallowing in a pit. I have big plans. But big plans require mental fortitude, and that is an ongoing battle. 

I guess what I am trying to say is: The last few months have been rough. But I’m not going anywhere, I’m just building up my focus again. Stacking stones. Steeping the tea leaves. I’m starting a series focused on storytelling in games for Bounty Board, and that is going to be followed by a series focused on games and depression. I have articles that I’m tumbling in my head. I have a new capture card on its way so I can get back to streaming more. I have creative projects in progress for the first time in what feels like years. I’m starting to get that first domino to rock. As soon as I can get it to fall, I know things will start happening more regularly. 

So this is a progress update. Patch notes if you will. Bug fixes and network stability patches. I’m Outriders right now. A good game marred by a bit of launch instability but nevertheless a work in progress that will inevitably be a place for people to spend countless hours. The NerdyBits Show rocks, Bounty Board is still strong, the stream is coming back. Articles are in the hopper. 

Be kind to yourself, everyone. The last year will have an impact on all of us for the next several months, perhaps even throughout 2021. But everyone is hurting, in a weird place mentally. But MLB The Show is on Xbox for the first time ever and ya boy is jacked. Stick with it, fight through the voices within and without, put your blades to the whetstone and sharpen your wit. We all could be better at communicating with each other. So let’s get better together, eh? Also...did I mention baseball is back on Xbox!?

Let’s see what we can do with NerdyBits in 2021.